"Thinking of what we’d give to have one more day of sun"
I am writing this because I want to reach the point where I feel silly writing what I’m about to write. So whenever I delete this, will be the day I think it’s all all in the past, and somehow I would’ve grown past all of this.
I feel like I’m waking about with a suitcase full of bricks. You would think that from time to time some of the bricks might fall out and walking would be easy. Unfortunately, the suitcase is of great quality and none of the bricks seem to be falling out. After some time you might think I’d become stronger and the suitcase would be easier to carry but my muscles don’t seem to grow with time like they ought to. I know I could easily just leave the suitcase along my path one day, but I just can’t. I’m not strong enough to keep holding on, but I’m not strong enough to let it go either.
I’m stuck inside of my own feelings. Today I rode many many roller coasters trying to wish them away with each drop. I was hoping the fear and adrenaline would somehow make these feelings evaporate. I had such great hope every time- but the feelings just came back stronger.
I suppose there may be something special to say about having irrational feelings. No matter how much you acknowledge they are irrational and that they shouldn’t be there, they’re still there.
I just wish there was some way I could know that they are not entirely irrational. That there is a reason I’m still feeling like this after so much time